{"id":131166,"date":"2024-03-04T07:56:00","date_gmt":"2024-03-04T12:56:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/yorbestlife.com\/?p=131166"},"modified":"2024-04-03T11:44:41","modified_gmt":"2024-04-03T15:44:41","slug":"how-to-develop-a-strong-sense-of-self","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/yorbestlife.com\/index.php\/2024\/03\/04\/how-to-develop-a-strong-sense-of-self\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Develop a Strong Sense of Self"},"content":{"rendered":"<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">By <a href=\"http:\/\/leobabauta.com\/\">Leo Babauta<\/a><\/h4>\n<p>Developing a strong sense of self is one of the most under-appreciated ways to be happy. To have healthy relationships, with others and with yourself.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not often understood, and as a result, problems in this area cause problems in all areas of our lives.<\/p>\n<p>Let me point out just some of the common symptoms of an under-developed sense of self:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>People pleasing<\/li>\n<li>Conflict avoidance<\/li>\n<li>Not being honest about how you feel<\/li>\n<li>Losing yourself in a relationship<\/li>\n<li>Distancing yourself from your partner when you\u2019re afraid<\/li>\n<li>Hiding things, cheating on your partner<\/li>\n<li>Not being able to take care of your needs or emotions<\/li>\n<li>Being afraid of intimacy or relationships<\/li>\n<li>Not setting boundaries, feeling overrun or overburdened by others, resenting it<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>As you can see, the issues come up especially in relationship with others (with your partner, family, friends, coworkers, etc.) \u2026 but because of that, it affects almost everything in your life, even when you\u2019re alone.<\/p>\n<p>If you can develop a strong sense of self, you will start to address these problems and more, resulting in a massive transformation of your life.<\/p>\n<p>This is obviously a huge topic that I can\u2019t cover fully in one article, but let\u2019s discuss the essentials.<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Your Sense of Self Develops in Your Family<\/h3>\n<p>Parents often see their kids as an extension of themselves \u2014 my kid reflects how good of a parent I am, my children validate me, my children are a part of me.<\/p>\n<p>You can see this when a parent is always telling their kids what to do, controlling their lives, or wanting the kid to be responsible for the parent\u2019s anger, anxiety, or sadness.<\/p>\n<p>The result of this kind of relationship is that often the kid grows up without a strong sense of self. They don\u2019t know how to set boundaries, because the parents didn\u2019t let them. They don\u2019t know how to take care of their emotional needs, because the parents didn\u2019t allow it. They look to others to reflect their value, because that\u2019s what the parents trained them to do.<\/p>\n<p>None of this is meant to make the kid or the parents wrong for how this goes. It\u2019s just to shine a light on what\u2019s happening, and to try to understand how it works.<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Sense of Self with Your Partner<\/h3>\n<p>As a result of all of that, we often come into romantic relationships without a strong sense of self. We think that we need to please the other person, and be validated by them.<\/p>\n<p>We might feel we need to merge ourselves with them to feel love, and lose ourselves. Or perhaps we\u2019re afraid of losing ourselves, because we don\u2019t have a strong sense of self \u2026 so from that fear, we distance ourselves whenever we get too close to intimacy.<\/p>\n<p>Most of our problems come from this: we either think we need to lose ourselves in the other person, or we distance ourselves because we\u2019re afraid of losing ourselves.<\/p>\n<p>This can be transformed if we develop a strong sense of self. Then we wouldn\u2019t lose ourselves, nor need to distance ourselves. We can have closeness without losing the sense of who we are.<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">How to Start Developing a Stronger Sense of Self<\/h3>\n<p>The way to develop a strong sense of self is to start by knowing yourself better \u2014 not necessarily changing anything about yourself.<\/p>\n<p>This means a willingness to have intimacy with yourself:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Know your feelings<\/strong>: Start to bring awareness and presence to your fears, anxieties, sadness, loneliness, boredom, anger, resentment, guilt, shame, love, compassion, joy, and more. When they are happening, can you notice them and let yourself feel them? This creates a sense of trust in yourself that you can be with your feelings.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Know your self-talk<\/strong>: Notice what you\u2019re telling yourself when you avoid, criticize, complain, break promises to yourself, make mistakes. What kind of language do you use? What kind of tone? Understanding this is a way of understanding how you\u2019ve learned to protect yourself.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Take care of your feelings<\/strong>: When you\u2019re feeling afraid, sad, lonely, emotionally exhausted \u2026 can you find a way to take care of these feelings? Soothe them, bring love to them, reassure them? If you could have a loved one give you exactly what you need, what would that be? Could you do that for yourself?<\/li>\n<li><strong>Know your desires<\/strong>: We are often trained to not want anything. It might not feel OK to want things. But what if we could just own our desires, and start to notice what they are? And feel that it\u2019s OK to have these desires? That doesn\u2019t mean we always get to have whatever we want \u2014 that\u2019s attachment. But just acknowledging your desires can be powerful.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Know your light<\/strong>: We sometimes only relate to the parts of ourselves we don\u2019t really like. But a good practice is to start to see the parts of yourself that are beautiful \u2014 your compassion, generosity, curiosity, playfulness, commitment, power, courage, love, joy, and more. These aren\u2019t always obvious, but they\u2019re always there. Start to notice them and acknowledge them more often. This is the essence of developing your sense of self.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>If you practice these on a regular basis, your sense of self will get stronger with each practice.<\/p>\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Practicing in Relationship with Others<\/h3>\n<p>It\u2019s best to develop your sense of self when you\u2019re alone \u2014 even if you\u2019re in a relationship, or have lots of family or friends around you, spend some time alone each day to practice knowing yourself.<\/p>\n<p>That said, we deepen this work whenever we\u2019re in relationship with anyone else. This can be a romantic partnership, a friendship, a relationship with your kids or siblings or parents, relationships with team members, business partners, etc.<\/p>\n<p>Some ways to practice:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Notice when you\u2019re seeking validation from the other person<\/strong>. Practice validating yourself instead \u2014 acknowledge your light, celebrate your victories.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Notice when you\u2019re holding yourself back<\/strong>. You might not want to share your feelings with the other person, or perhaps you\u2019re afraid of being honest. This is a withholding of yourself out of fear. When you notice this, attend to your fear. Then see if you can share yourself, at least in little bits. Through this practice, you\u2019ll develop trust to share all of yourself.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Set boundaries<\/strong>. Notice when you need alone time, and let them know. Notice when you\u2019re saying Yes to things out of guilt, and practice saying No. Notice when you\u2019re resentful about things, and look for a boundary that you can express that won\u2019t make you resentful. Look for where your needs aren\u2019t being honored, and speak up for them.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Continue to practice your individuality<\/strong>. Just because you\u2019re in relationship with someone else doesn\u2019t mean you have to sacrifice who you are. Can you speak up for your opinions and desires? Can you have your own activities that are yours alone?<\/li>\n<li><strong>Use conflicts to grow your sense of self<\/strong>. Every conflict with the other person can be a practice in opening your heart to them, without giving up who you are. And even if the conflict goes badly \u2014 let\u2019s say they are shut down and mean to you \u2014\u00a0you can take some time alone and practice being with your feelings and taking care of your emotions. In this way, even difficult conflicts can be an opportunity to grow closer to yourself.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Be patient with yourself, because this isn\u2019t easy stuff to practice, and you won\u2019t \u201cget it right\u201d all the time. In fact, there isn\u2019t a right way to do this, it\u2019s an exploration, a journey of self-discovery.<\/p>\n<p>Get support from a friend, a therapist, a coach, whenever you\u2019re struggling with any of it. It\u2019s OK to not be able to do it all on your own.<\/p>\n<p>Above all, rejoice and delight in yourself, no matter how it\u2019s going!<\/p>\n<p>The post <a href=\"https:\/\/zenhabits.net\/strong-sense-of-self\/\">How to Develop a Strong Sense of Self<\/a> appeared first on <a href=\"https:\/\/zenhabits.net\">zen habits<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>By Leo Babauta Developing a strong sense of self is one of the most under-appreciated ways to be happy. To [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":131165,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[181,175,176],"tags":[182,178,179],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/yorbestlife.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/131166"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/yorbestlife.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/yorbestlife.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yorbestlife.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yorbestlife.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=131166"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/yorbestlife.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/131166\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":131167,"href":"https:\/\/yorbestlife.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/131166\/revisions\/131167"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yorbestlife.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/131165"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/yorbestlife.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=131166"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yorbestlife.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=131166"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yorbestlife.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=131166"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}